Submerged in the Melodies

Lately, I’ve been drowning myself in music. If there’s one thing I can rely on to help me feel or make me feel something different, it’s music.

I am a bit of a music fiend. I have several playlists on Spotify. More than thirty at least. If people still made mix tapes, honey, I would have made hundreds. I know blogs are mostly about writing, but I’ve not been in the writing mood. So today, I’m just going to give you a few of my favorite playlists that I’ve made.

The Emo Years

When I was a very depressed little thing I would listen to these songs on a loop. (Yes, most of these songs are on the Twilight soundtrack list) Sometimes they would help me get the depression out and sometimes I could just drift off and be stuck in the music. More often than not I would play these songs while writing a story that was far too similar to Twilight or The Last Air Bender.

Uprising – Muse
Brick By Boring Brick – Paramore
Thnks fr th Mmrs – Fall Out Boy
I Write Sins Not Tragedies – Panic! At the Disco
Teenage Dirtbag – Wheatus
Mr. Brightside – The Killers
21 Guns – Green Day
Starlight – Muse
Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park
Bring Me To Life – Evanescence
Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
Bitter Sweet Symphony – The Verve
Kings and Queens – Thirty Seconds to Mars
Decode – Paramore
15 Step – Radiohead
Supermassive Black Hole – Muse
Miss Atomic Bomb – The Killers
Champagne Supernova – Oasis
Fake Plastic Trees – Radiohead

The Uplifting Crap

This is my I’m-fucking-sad-so-maybe-this-will-help-playlist.

Green Light – Lorde
Hey Girl – Lady Gaga ft. Florence Welch
Can’t Take It- Imogen Heap
Beautiful Day – U2
I Always Knew – The Vaccines
Woman – Kesha ft. The Dap-Kings Horns
Move This (Shake That Body) – Technotronic
Smile – The Royal Concept
Fall Together – The Temper Trap
I’m Alive (Life Feels Like) – Micheal Franti & the Spearhead
Malibu – Miley Cyrus
Feeling Electric – Parade of Lights
Moments – De Lux
Let Me Know – No Wyld
Closer – Lemaitre ft. Jennie A.
Sister of Pearl – Baio

The Golden Age

My parents were the original headbangers of the 80’s. They loved AC/DC and Led Zeppelin therefore I loved AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. However, I began to deviate from my roots and discovered David Bowie and now I have a t-shirt with his face on it.

Pearly-dewdrops Drops – Cocteau Twins
Starman – David Bowie
Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division
People Are Strange – The Doors
Space Oddity – David Bowie
Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd
Something – The Beatles
In My Room – The Beach Boys
Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
The House of the Rising Sun – The Animals
Another Brick In The Wall pt. 2 – Pink Floyd
Nasty Gal – Betty Davis
The Killing Moon – Echo & The Bunnymen
The Passenger – Iggy Pop
Strawberry Fields Forever – The Beatles
The Sound of Silence – Paul Simon
Tiny Dancer – Elton John
Money – Pink Floyd
Heroes – David Bowie
While My Guitar Gently Weeps – The Beatles
Under Pressure – Queen ft. David Bowie
Nothing’s Going to Stop Us Now – Starship
Bad Mood Rising – Creedence Clearwater Revival
Asleep – The Smiths
The Seeker – The Who

Happy Listening.

If you would like links to the music, let me know.

How to Be Happy When You’re Sad

For those who have ever had depression and for those who have it now:

it. fucking. sucks.

I used to have crippling depression. I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I was forced to for my own good. I took every chance I could to take a sick day from school, not just because I was acutely sad, but because I was constantly anxious. When you add IBS into the mix, it is not pleasant. You’re stomach hurts. All the time. You always have to go to the bathroom. And you feel like you can’t tell people because it’s embarrassing and generally, no one takes it seriously. I was accused of faking it all for attention. It’s one thing to be mentally ill and unwell. But when your friends, the people who you think would understand the most, believes you’re faking for attention, it makes the hole in your heart that much deeper. The pressure that much harder. The pain that much more intense.

I am no saint. I took my depression and anxiety out on others. I wouldn’t speak. I would lash out. I wasn’t exactly kind to the same friends who claimed I was faking. And they aren’t perfect either. Be that as it may, it still hurts. If I could take back how mean I was to the friends I had in high school (and my entire school career) I would. But then I wouldn’t have had the chance to grow from that. So I hope my friends have grown too.

Lately I’ve been feeling sad. No where near as sad as I used to be. Just down. My home situation isn’t great. I live with someone I dislike wholly, who loves to be an ass. He is also a severe alcoholic. I know he’s a good person deep down, but right now he’s not acting like it.

Of course there’s other major stresses. Like money for moving out. My mother is wonderful, but is also an addict. My little brother (who is essentially my child because of how often I take care of him). My grandparents (they are not getting younger).

There is a lot going on in my life that I wish I could wave away, but I can’t.

And that makes me sad. So I’ve complied a list of things that make me happy. Things I hope will make you happy too.

Things to make you smile, feel content or overall happy:

Dogs or cats. (I have three dogs who I love dearly)

Volunteering at a local animal shelter
Getting out of the house with a friend or family member
Embracing the small things
Going to a bookstore
Buying a book from a bookstore and reading in a café
Buying a book from a bookstore and reading in a café on a rainy day
Getting a small treat for yourself
Listen to music way to loud
Dancing around in your room
Buy yourself a little something
Go for a drove, long or short
Enjoy a nice bath with all preferred amenities ( Netflix, a book, favorite drink, bath bomb, good music)
Trying something new and different (I learned how to knit one day because I was exceptionally sad)
Eat your favorite comfort foods
Watch a show that makes you happy or excited
Read that one book you were saving on your shelf
Write
Paint
Make something artful to express your inner angst
If you aren’t artistic or don’t feel like investing time in that, invest in a punching bag or go to a gym to work out (endorphins make you happy)
If you are neither active nor artistic, play video games. Kill some idiots on whatever fps game you have.

Distractions can be a good thing, but don’t forget. All of that emotion has to go somewhere. The Law of Conservation of Mass Energy states that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Get the sadness out in a healthy way. Cry. Watch a sad movie. Talk to someone about it. Break something you don’t mind breaking (inanimate objects only please). Join the party and start a blog.

But remember: energy is a constant moving thing. Atoms and molecules are never still. The sadness won’t last forever.

— Elk Queen

Sun Sick

It’s a cloudy day today in Arizona. My blinds are finally open because my room won’t overheat from the sun. I have my dog laying next to me on my chair. Today’s going to be a good day.

I grew up my entire life in the sun. Don’t get me wrong, I love it sometimes. But in the last two years, the sun has become something of a problem for me. It’s become a trigger.

audience: wait, what?

Elk Queen (boss ass bitch): YEP. LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS.

When I had my first panic attack since I had been diagnosed, I had no idea what was happening. It was the worst kind, the kind that feels like your whole body is burning. Acid courses through your bloodstream, your brain alerting your body that something is very wrong. The cause: the toilet wouldn’t flush. One bad thought escalated into the end of the world.

What if it won’t flush and ill be stuck here all night. What if I run out of toilet paper. What if I can’t calm down. what if I start having the worst diarrhea and I can’t do anything. what if I throw up all of the floor. what if I stay here all night and I don’t sleep. the sun is going down and the sky is that navy blue color. what if this feeling doesn’t end what if I can’t ever make it go away what if this happens again what if what if what if oh god I can’t make it stop

I have to be in control of everything because I had no control over anything when I was younger. Sometimes I don’t have control over what happens in my life today. But today, the sky is cloudy. Today, I don’t have to worry about looking at the sky and seeing the sun set, watching that beautiful blue color settle in and remind me of how it all started. I used to look away when the sky turned that specific shade of blue. I couldn’t go to the bathroom when that blue covered the sky. I can’t rely on the clouds to hide the sun from me forever. I know I can’t. But it’s nice to take pleasure in the cloudy days, praying for rain to cool off the heat wave.

I have been avoiding the sun for two years. I have been getting so much better through therapy and a healthy dose of yelling at myself to push through it.

The lesson of this story kids, is that hard work does pay off. It does, as the adults love to say, “get better.” I know I’m not 100%. I don’t think I ever really will be, but that’s okay. My mental illness isn’t constantly taking over my life anymore. Sure, that little bug in the back of my head is a bitch. He’s an asshole; he loves to make my brain want to twist itself into nothing. I don’t let it affect me as severely as I used to because I know I can get through it. The sun is never going to stop shinning and I have to get used to it.

— Elk Queen

What’s the latest with your mental health? If you feel like sharing, leave a comment.

Who Am I: Q&A

Yeah. The title sucks. I could do better.

“What do you look like?” no one asks

I’m nineteen. I’m very white (some say fluorescent). My skin tone is extremely ironic considering I not only live in Arizona but am also of Native American decent — a whopping 1%. To get a clear picture of what I look like: I have short blonde hair (dyed), a really big crooked nose (ew), and colorful eyes (cool). They’re blue, green, and specked with brown. No, I’m not lying. It’s a genetic disorder. I’m also really fucking small by every measure: boobs, butt, waist. The only average thing about me is my height.

“What do you look like on the inside?” the crickets’ chirp

Half of me is an organized mess. I like to think that makes me cool, but really, it just makes my mental health status very interesting. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Irritable Bowel Syndrome which complicates my life exponentially. Not only do I have a problem with pooping but I also obsess about it. And of course there are the occasional intrusive thoughts that make me feel like I’m crazy and I’ll try to put my head together again after its wreaked its havoc.

The other half is strange. I love collecting books and anything else that makes me feel like wonder. I am a music fiend. I have like, 40 playlists on Spotify. I hate thinking of the world as a simple place; it makes me depressed to do so. I also hate talking normal. I want to be able to talk like my brain got stuck on the poet setting so people would wonder what was wrong with me. I love to do weird things to make people look at me oddly.

“Why are you here?” the particles of the empty room whispers

I was born to be a writer. And lately (*cough cough* two years *cough*), I haven’t been writing. I am like an old car. I work as long as you use me. So you can imagine that my thoughts and my creativity have been so everywhere that I can’t get it out. I’m writing not only for myself, but for others. I want this to be a way station for people who are feeling stuck or lost. Half of the stuff I talk about will be an organized mess of how to deal with what life throws at you and the other half will be about the strange happenings in my head that will help you not feel so lonely.

I don’t have a schedule or a plan. Like my life, I’m kind of flying at the edge of my seat here. But keep tuning in, friends. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

—Elk Queen